Grief
by pollyglyph
Summary: Iceburg talks with Lulu about losing Franky and Tom


"You ok baby? You're so quiet." Lulu reaches around the back of Iceburg's chair to run his hand over Iceburg's shoulders. "Did that man from the Government visit you again today?"

Iceburg shakes his head but he doesn't speak. His eyes are drawn to a smudge of ink smeared across his drafting paper, and with frustration he balls up the sheet and tosses it away.

"You know you can talk to me about anything you need to," Lulu continues.

Iceburg is all too aware in that moment of all he's carrying on his shoulders that he can tell to nobody.

All the freshly resurfaced guilt he's left unexpressed for so long comes out in a stream of heavy tears. He turns in his chair to reach for Lulu, his chest heaving.

Lulu holds him. "Thought you'd just had a stressful day in the office, but this is much more than that, isn't it?"

He waits, gently soothing Iceburg with soft caresses until it's all out and he calms. Iceburg's desperate grip on him gradually relaxes.

"Want to talk about it?" Lulu asks.

Iceburg hesitates. His hands let go and fall back to his sides. Despite every warning in his head, Lulu's concern is so inviting that he decides to step into it.

"For so many years, Lulu, I honestly thought he was dead," Iceburg says.

Lulu nods, encouraging him to talk, though he doesn't yet follow.

"This whole time, I blamed myself for it," Iceburg continues.

Lulu slides his hands to clasp Iceburg's.

Iceburg squeezes his back.

"So many times I told myself that if he was just alive, I could find my way to forgive him. I thought the sense of relief would heal everything. But showing up yesterday out of the blue? I don't even understand how he's still alive or what it is that he's done to himself."

His gaze flits out the window to the purpling dusk.

"I_ was_ relieved," he adds. "But much more than that, I found I was still so angry at him."

"Was this, uh?" Lulu pauses, trying to remember. "Tom's other apprentice? What was his name again?"

"Cutty Flam," Iceburg replies.

He's amazed anyone other than himself and Kokoro remembers much about Tom's Workers. It all feels so long ago. Though perhaps the last four years weren't really as long as they had felt.

"He took you by surprise, though, coming back all of a sudden like that," Lulu assures him, his hands move to run through Iceburg's hair. "I mean, you thought he was dead. That's almost like a visitation from a ghost. You didn't exactly have a good deal of time to process what was going on."

"Well, maybe." Iceburg shrugs. "He showed up at Galley-La headquarters early yesterday afternoon. I told Kalifa to send him away. Like you said, it took me completely off guard. I wasn't ready to deal with him yet."

As he moves to get up from his chair, Lulu takes a step to let him slide it back. It screeches along the floor.

"I met him this evening at Tom's Workers' old office instead," Iceburg explains, getting to his feet. "I'd had a while to think it over by then, but it was still a lot to process."

"Sure," Lulu says. "So don't blame yourself for feeling overwhelmed."

His arms are wide and Iceburg folds into them.

"Hmm, overwhelmed?" he says into Lulu's neck. "I suppose I was."

"So you talked then? What about?"

Iceburg shakes his head. He has probably said far too much already. The more Lulu knew, the more he'd be dragged down into it with him.

He mentions nothing about the blueprints or the weapon, or the burden of responsibility he's felt himself steadily drowning beneath since he'd first resolutely accepted it from Tom. Even with them passed on, he's no lighter for it.

"He had the nerve to say he can't forgive _me_ because Galley-La builds ships to supply to the Government?" His tone is sharp and spoken through almost clenched teeth. "He had no right to talk. No right to even show his face to me. I couldn't bear to look at him after that."

Iceburg shakes his head again.

"Am I really that petty? Finally seeing him face to face again, all I could do was blame him for everything, all over again."

"It's ok to be hurt. It's ok to be angry about it too. You're not a terrible person for it."

At his words, Iceburg breaks down again. "It hurt so much, Lulu."

Lulu presses a kiss to Iceburg's head as he sobs, forehead pressing Lulu's shoulder.

"There was Kokoro, but we could barely talk about everything. I felt so alone."

"It's alright." Lulu strokes his back. "And hey, you've made it so far. You're doing so well."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm barely managing to stay afloat," he sighs and with a steely resolve, he collects himself and lifts his head back up. "But Tom would have pushed me to keep moving on, looking to what had to be done right now, or preparing for what was coming next. I owed it to him to do the right thing for Water Seven."

He pulls back to look at Lulu's face and reaches out to smooth the cowlick down in Lulu's hair.

"But I had always followed him, and I still feel lost without him. I don't know what he'd make of the decisions I've made, but I just hope I've made ones that would have made him proud."

Lulu nods. "What was he like, Tom?"

The tension knotted into Iceburg's brow begins to relax.

"Well, he was incredible Lulu. The most incredible man."

He looks to Lulu with a smile almost paper thin, but full of revere.

"Such a brilliant mind and so generous. He took me in when I had nothing and he gave me everything."

"Seems to me like maybe you just haven't fully grieved for him yet," Lulu offers.

Iceburg nods back.

Again his eyes well, but he holds back from tears.

"It feels good to finally talk about him."

He pulls Lulu close.

"Talk about him any time you like then. Plus, it's nice learning more about him."

Iceburg pulls in a deep breath.

He pictures the breath rolling back out of him as a wave sweeping back out to sea.

He hasn't shared everything. He knows he never can. But for once, the weight finally does feel slightly lighter.

"Thank you Lulu," he says.


End file.
